she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
