cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
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I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
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I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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