I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
