I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
