i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Sober January is a disaster.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
