you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
