theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
