I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
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Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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