I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
