He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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