He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
