Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
