Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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