I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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