Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Randomize
