just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
