if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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