this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
