Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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