You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
