You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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