his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
