So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Randomize
