I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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