I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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