Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Randomize
