me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
