last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Randomize
