It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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