her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
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he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
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I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
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