i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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