Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
How naked do you want me to be?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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