There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
