Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
