moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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