i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
this hospital has no fireball
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
