her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I want a musical about memes.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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