My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
