walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Send help, water and tortillas.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
