She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
