this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
