6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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