Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
