it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
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