There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
