You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
