I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
