I will die if light touches me.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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