I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
