good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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