wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Enjoy the penises
Randomize
