I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
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