Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
