Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
