At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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