if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Im part way to drunk.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
