Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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