She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
