so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
